maybe it's an inability to accept reality.
maybe it's the false sense of self-worth derived from the flawed skeletal frame i use as a yard stick for defining self.
i should be happy doing things that i love. that people say i'm good at. and i enjoy classes. i really do. i suppose it comes down to the fact that i'm just not good enough.
everytime i feel not good enough, it makes me want to stop doing it. i know it's a quitter's mentality and i abhor it. that's why i don't. i keep trying or at least tell myself to not give up.
it's stupid really sometimes. i let one comment get to me so badly i keep harping on it. not outwardly of course. that passes in awhile. but once in awhile it'll resurface in my mind and i feel gosh, maybe this isn't my thing, maybe i'm just not good enough at it. maybe i should stop.
i was a listening to a song just now and i didn't feel like singing along.
but it's when i reflect on things that it feels as though someone's telling me "Look at how far you've come". and for a moment i feel like "woah yea". though the past is just it. past.
[edit] dad just showed me an episode of America's Got Talent which made me go "WOAH" and "woahhhhhhhh" at the same time
thank you daddy, where'd your girl be without u :)
Entry @ 1:38 AM;
Wednesday, September 16, 2009